Anyway, I had this idea.  If you’re anything like me (extremely single, can never find a decent person interesting enough to date, almost to the point of desperate), you always have people saying things like, “I know this guy who is perfect for you!”, or “You two would get along so well”, or “He’s a little weird when you first meet him, but I think you two would really hit it off.”  Umm, I appreciate that you are legitimately concerned about my happiness and all.  But considering that you and Mr. Perfect are off being Mr. and Mrs. Perfect together, you are CLEARLY too busy to realize that Douchebag McGee and Nerdy O’Nerdeson are not exactly my type.  Or your type.  Or anyone’s type.  So what exactly thinks you are the one who knows what I need in a date/future ex-boyfriend?

But then sometimes my friends have much better taste/luck with guys than I have ever had, so why shouldn’t I trust them?  Right?

So here’s my project.  I sign up for Match.com.  Yes, supergay and totally not my style, I know.  But, I obviously need to reach out to a new pool because the current mix of dudes in my life is not encouraging a healthy dating lifestyle, and I don’t necessarily like meeting people at 2-4 a.m. in the dive bar of choice for the weekend.

So I propose that I sign up for Match, and then let my friends take the reins.  I let them pick the guys I go out with.  Everything on the profile will be legit, all true stuff about me, but I will not control who I meet through the site.  My friends will have total control.  It sounds pretty scary, especially considering who my friends might think would be funny to set me up with.  But all in all, I think they would take it seriously to set me up with people they would honestly pick for me.

That’s my theory, though.  Who the hell knows.

“Let It Be Me” by Ray LaMontagne

There may come a time, a time in everyones life
Where nothin seems to go your way
Where nothing seems to turn out right
There may come a time, you just cant seem to find your place
For every door you walk on to, seems like they get slammed in your face
Thats when you need someone, someone that you can call.
And when all your faith is gone
Feels like you cant go on
Let it be me
Let it be me
If its a friend that you need
Let it be me
Let it be me
Feels like your always commin on home
Pockets full of nothin and you got no cash
No matter where you turn you aint got no place to stand
Reach out for something and they slap your hand
Now i remember all too well
Just how it feels to be all alone
You feel like youd give anything
For just a little place you can call your own
Thats when you need someone, someone that you can call
And when all your faith is gone
Feels like you cant go on
Let it be me
Let it be me
If its a friend you need
Let it be me

I miss sitting on the back porch and watching the sunset – either in the Pineywoods or the Hill Country.

I miss the sound of nothingness.

I miss the smell of grass, trees, dirt, wildflowers, pollen, and rain.

I miss driving across the open road and down windy paths and through fields of mud.

I miss walking into a small store in town and knowing everyone inside.

I miss sitting around the fire with my best friends and a few guitars – drinking beer and singing songs we all know.

I miss when people look you in the eye when you’re walking down the street and smile.  Just because.

I miss when a guy holds a door open for a woman.

I miss really good Mexican food.

I miss really good margaritas.

I miss Shiner Bock beer.

I miss two-stepping around the dance floor with my best friends to the sound of that night’s cover band (or preferably, Taylor and Young).

I miss being able to see every star in the night sky.

I miss lake days.

I miss the blistering heat.

I miss my girls.  I miss the boys.

I miss God’s Country.

I miss Texas.

I miss Home.

“An open letter from the boss!

To All My Valued Employees,

There have been some rumblings around the office about the future of this company, and more specifically, your job. As you know, the economy has changed for the worse and presents many challenges. However, the good news is this: The economy doesn’t pose a threat to your job. What does threaten your job however, is the changing political landscape in this country.

However, let me tell you some little tidbits of fact which might help you decide what is in your best interests.

First, while it is easy to spew rhetoric that casts employers against employees, you have to understand that for every business owner there is a Back Story. This back story is often neglected and overshadowed by what you see and hear. Sure, you see me park my Mercedes outside. You’ve seen my big home at last years Chris tmas party. I’m sure all these flashy icons of luxury conjure up some idealized thoughts about my life.

However, what you don’t see is the BACK STORY:

I started this company 28 years ago. At that time, I lived in a 300 square foot studio apartment for 3 years. My entire living apartment was converted into an office so I could put forth 100% effort into building a company, which by the way, would eventually employ you.

My diet consisted of Ramen Pride noodles because every dollar I spent went back into this company. I drove a rusty Toyota Corolla with a defective transmission. I didn’t have time to date. Often times, I stayed home on weekends, while my friends went out drinking and partying. In fact, I was married to my business — hard work, discipline, and sacrifice.

Meanwhile, my friends got jobs. They worked 40 hours a week and made a modest $50K a year and spent every dime they earned. They drove flashy cars and lived in expensive homes and wore fancy designer clothes. Instead of hitting the Nordstrom’s for the latest hot fashion item, I was trolling through the discount store extracting any clothing item that didn’t look like it was birthed in the 70′s. My friends refinanced their mortgages and lived a life of luxury. I, however, did not. I put my time, my money, and my life into a business with a vision that eventually, some day, I too, will be able to afford these luxuries my friends supposedly had.

So, while you physically arrive at the office at 9am , mentally check in at about noon , and then leave at 5pm , I don’t. There is no “off” button for me. When you leave the office, you are done and you have a weekend all to yourself. I unfortunately do not have the freedom. I eat, and breathe this company every minute of the day. There is no rest. There is no weekend. There is no happy hour. Every day this business is attached to my hip like a 1 year old special-needs child. You, of course, only see the fruits of that garden — the nice house, the Mercedes, the vacations… you never realize the Back Story and the sacrifices I’ve made.

Now, the economy is falling apart and I, the guy that made all the right decisions and saved his money, have to bail-out all the people who didn’t. The people that overspent their paychecks suddenly feel entitled to the same luxuries that I earned and sacrificed a decade of my life for.

Yes, business ownership has its benefits but the price I’ve paid is steep and not without wounds.

Unfortunately, the cost of running this business, and employing you, is starting to eclipse the threshold of marginal benefit and let me tell you why:

I am being taxed to death and the government thinks I don’t pay enough. I have state taxes. Federal taxes. Property taxes. Sales and use taxes. Payroll taxes. Workers compensation taxes. Unemployment taxes. Taxes on taxes. I have to hire a tax man to manage all these taxes and then guess what? I have to pay taxes for employing him. Government mandates and regulations and all the accounting that goes with it, now occupy most of my time. On Oct 15th, I wrote a check to the US Treasury for $288,000 for quarterly taxes. You know what my “stimulus” check was? Zero.. Nada. Zilch.

The question I have is this: Who is stimulating the economy? Me, the guy who has provided 14 people good paying jobs and serves over 2,200,000 people per year with a flourishing business? Or, the single mother sitting at home pregnant with her fourth child waiting for her next welfare check? Obviously, government feels the latter is the economic stimulus of this country.

The fact is, if I deducted (Read: Stole) 50% of your paycheck you’d quit and you wouldn’t work here. I mean, why should you? That’s nuts. Who wants to get rewarded only 50% of their hard work? Well, I agree which is why your job is in jeopardy.

Here is what many of you don’t understand … to stimulate the economy you need to stimulate what runs the economy. Had suddenly government mandated to me that I didn’t need to pay taxes, guess what? Instead of depositing that $288,000 into the Washington black-hole, I would have spent it, hired more employees, and generated substantial economic growth. My employees would have enjoyed the wealth of that tax cut in the form of promotions and better salaries. But you can forget it now.

When you have a comatose man on the verge of death, you don’t defibrillate and shock his thumb thinking that will bring him back to life, do you? Or, do you defibrillate his heart? Business is at the heart of America and always has been. To restart it, you must stimulate it, not kill it. Suddenly, the power brokers in Washington believe the poor of America are the essential drivers of the American economic engine. Nothing could be further from the truth and this is the type of change you can keep.

So where am I going with all this?

It’s quite simple.

If any new taxes are levied on me, or my company, my reaction will be swift and simple.  I’ll fire you.  I’ll fire your co-workers. You can then plead with the government to pay for your mortgage, your SUV, and your child’s future. Frankly, it isn’t my problem any more.

Then, I will close this company down, move to another country, and retire. You see, I’m done. I’m done with a country that penalizes the productive and gives to the unproductive. My motivation to work and to provide jobs will be destroyed, and with it, will be my citizenship.

So, if you lose your job, it won’t be at the hands of the economy; it will be at the hands of a political hurricane that swept through this country, steamrolled the constitution, and will have changed its landscape forever. If that happens, you can find me sitting on a beach, retired, and with no employees to worry about….

Signed,  THE BOSS”

To looking like this:

Yikes.

When President Obama first began to gain momentum along the campaign trail, I must admit, I was scared for the sake of our country.  I couldn’t believe that people were ignoring his Socialistic views and his inability to say something with substance other than dance around any subject that was put in front of him.  Yes, he is a great public speaker – no one can deny that.  Yes, he looks presidential.  Yes, he went to Harvard.  But that didn’t convince me of his abilities to lead our country, be the commander in chief of our military forces, and also stay true to those principles put in place by our founding fathers.

However, in the few months since the election, I have watched President Obama make a number of decisions with the best intentions for the country rather than what other staunch Democrats may have been rallying for.  And for that, I want to high five him.  I believe that the new president realizes all too well that he may have won the election in November, but that the next four years are the true battle.  Hell, I’d say the next six months may be the worst part.  He has got to work his ass off to get Congress to stop being a bunch of greedy sons of bitches with agendas filled of selfish desires and the motives of their golf buddies’ businesses.

But Congress’s minds aren’t the only ones that need to be fixed. The American people have really got the wake the hell up.  Get off your ass.  Work hard.  Save your money.  Protect your family.  Take responsibility for your actions.  Stop spending your money on a lifestyle you think you should be living, and the live the lifestyle of which you are capable.  One of the main factors in the economic downturn is the fact that too many people were given mortgages for houses they could not and would never be able to afford.  Mortgage-backed securities, anyone?  No, thanks.  Talk about legal money laundering.  Who thought that would be a good idea?  And now we have a slinkee for a stock market, and our economy is in the shitter.  If you think you haven’t been affected, check your 401(k).  If you don’t have a 401(k), get one.  Today.

All in all, I am content with President Obama at this stage.  Mainly because he hasn’t done anything as our president to screw up yet.  But until the day he days, I will be gaining faith in him.  I challenge him to lead this country in the direction of profitability, sustainability, and accountability.  I hope beyond him that he will rise up to, and surpass this challenge I put forth.

Now faith is the assurance of things hoped for, the conviction of things not seen. —Hebrews 11:1

The junior guy on the team, I effing kid you not, could have passed for a little brother of John Krasinski.  We’re talking Jim from the Office, but with really good hair (like Krasinski is in real life).  the other guy was a bit older – mid to late thirtiesish – but he was a cross of Hugh Jackman (including the Australian accent) and Billy Burke (pictured below).  Seems like a weird combination, yes, but executed perfectly in this gorgeous man-god.

Needless to say, I have no idea what was discussed except for the few random notes I took so that no one would notice me drooling out the side of my mouth.  Anyway.  Back to staring at my computer screen for the rest of the day. Neat.

To this point, I met a guy at the bar we went to after the housewarming.  He was a total douche and a half.  First of all, he called me ma’am.  And not in like a cute, Southern way (which I grew up with and am a huge fan of), but in like, a I’m a dickhead, and I can tell this gets on your nerves way.  Whatever.  But then he tells me and my friend that he hates us.  I give him a go to hell look, and he responds with “Well, I don’t hate you, just you people.”  WTF.  So I ask what he means by “you people”.  Girls?  Short girls?  Humans?  His response:  rich, white people.  He was a white dude in a polo sweater in a bar on the UES in New York.  What did he think he was going to encounter on a such a night?

I’m not totally sure of what rude thing I replied with, but apparently my attitude was right up his alley.  I guess he started to put the moves on me then, because all I remember next is that we were kissing.  I don’t know if happened right then or if it was later on in the evening.  It could have been the next day at noon, and I would not know any different.

Moral of the story is, I am an idiot when I drink.  Sometimes I get myself into trouble.  Sometimes I make a fool of myself.  Everytime, I have a great time.

1. Train for and run in the NYC Marathon in November 2009.

Amended:  Run a few blocks at least once a week month.

2. Apply to and get admitted into law school somewhere.

Amended: Read about the Madoff case in the Times.

3. Get out of debt without having to ask my parents for money.

Amended: Skip the parents and ask my grandmother to help me pay for that cute dress I found at Neimans.

4. Put forth a concerted effort to keeping in contact with high school and college friends with whom I have lost touch.

Amended: Keep facebook stalking all those people I don’t give a shit about.

5. Eat out less, cook more.

Amended: nope, not gonna happen.

6. Quit smoking.

Amended: Start smoking. Then quit smoking so that I will have accomplished item #6 wholeheartedly.

7. Read more thought-provoking, intellectually stimulating books.

Amended: stop reading the Twilight series over and over again because I can’t remember what happens in which book.

8. Clean my room more often.

Amended.  Ugh….fine.

9. Stop spending my time at work on Facebook and blogs.

Amended:  No way, jose.

10.  Stop taking life and myself seriously.

Amended: Done, and done.

Focker, out!

A couple weeks ago I was real worked up about a bunch of shit.  Work has been kicking my ass lately.  Client presentations, transitioning accounts, taking on other people’s workloads while they’re out on vacation, and all of this while going into the holiday season when all of my clients are retail based.  On top of that, I took the LSAT a couple of weeks ago, and I was enrolled in a prep class for that.  Good lord!  I need an effing break.

I also just “celebrated” another birthday.  Great.  Now I’m stressed and getting older.  Awesome.

To take my mind off things, I ordered a great pair of Manolo’s online to give myself a little reward.  They were on sale.  After all, I need to at least attempt to be able to pay my rent this month, right?  Regardless, it was a treat to myself, and I fucking love those shoes.  They are awesome.

I wore them out the night we celebrated my birthday in the city.  We went to Home, Sweet Home, and we had a blast, fucking blast.  I only remember portions of the night (always a sign of a good time) that involved dancing and most of the best friends I’ve made since I’ve lived in NY.  Then I took the shoes with me to TEXAS the next week for our company Christmas party.  I get to fly home and get wasted on the company’s dollar?  Hell yes.  Bring it.

So anyway, we’re hanging at the Christmas party, and I’m already buzzed of course because the dinner was shitty but the booze was flowing.  I’m standing outside by the firepit, because it’s Texas in December, and you can stand outside without a coat.  And all of a sudden it feels like my knee buckles underneath me, but I don’t fall over.  Come to find out, it was the right heel of my shoe that buckled, not me.  My GD brand new Manolo Blahnik mary-jane just snapped underneath me.  I wasn’t dancing, or playing football or even doing a keg stand or something else that usually causes me to ruin a pair of shoes (don’t ask).  I was just standing there, hanging out, and my effing shoe is destroyed.

Ughhhhhh.  I’m still pissed off about the damn shoe.  And now I feel fat because my shoe broke underneath my weight.  Cool.  I’m older.  I’m fatter.  And now I have ruined my favorite pair of shoes ever.

WTF.